A Time to Live and a Time to Die

It's actually happening. My Dad is actively dying. No longer alert- witty or wise, he lies quietly in a bed with oxygen running through his nasal cavity.

The call came late Thursday that he was suddenly having a decline. He had a very restless week- impulsively standing up and then falling over- not taking direction or giving warning- being unsatisfied with most everything. From being quiet and sleeping 20 hours/day to now no longer awakening.

As a daughter, my first reaction was grief and sadness- I've been one of the fortunate ones to have had my parents so much of my life, yet watching one decline ever-so-slowly and to be so terribly confused that a visit a few weeks back, he couldn't recognize me or even place me in relationship. 

Surrendering a parent takes some special courage when you have so admired and adored them your entire life. God has known his deeds to advance the Kingdom of God. It is now His time and Dad's time to work out the "when" of this all.

I WILL miss him tremendously-even that confused funny wit of his that I have noted in this blog site.  As I've written before- God is going to love him.  Peaceful Passage, Ralph, "well-done good and faithful servant!"

Always the Dad

It's been obvious for the duration of this blog, that my parents have dementia. Just a few weeks ago, I was preparing for some needed sinus surgery-As I do, I continue to have conversations with Dad about what's happening in my life. I mentioned having the surgery- and as usual, he surprised me with his response- "Don't worry- I'll be there to pick you up when you're done."

Let's keep in mind- the man no longer drives- he probably can't realistically even sit in a car anymore, but his intention  is to continue to be the great Dad he always has been.

That night, I shed more than a few tears- My Dad has been so endearing, so sincere in his need to reach out to me in spite of his frailties.  I miss the man he was and has been- I still think how nice it would be to have one parent still be mentally with me.  So would like to know their observation of what's happening at this time in life.

Of note: I am not mentioning my Mom this time- Father's Day came with a confirmation that my Mom has no idea who I am anymore or what relationship we have. She, in fact, swatted at me when I leaned over to say good-bye to her- she swatted at me and when I told her I was her daughter, she responded with "Since when?"  It wasn't that I didn't see that coming- I had suspected it for months but having the final "You no longer exist to me" experience, it's heartbreaking.  Now I talk  with her as if I'm merely a stranger-"Hello, Hilda, How are you today. Gee that's a nice outfit you're wearing today"  and so forth.
She truly looked frightened when I told her the truth, so now we're just passing by each other.

I'm now recovering from sinus surgery- soon I have to then go on to the repair of my teeth that have deteriorated in the past 5 years- Did you know that stress affects your mouth chemistry, making your teeth vulnerable to cavities???? Well, I do now know-

And Who Says God Doesn't Have a Sense of Humor!

There truly are things that go beyond where our imagination can take us. That happened to me in the last 72 hours.

Wednesday night I had a call that my Dad was experiencing left sided weakness and that he should go to the hospital. He did, and while the weakness subsided, it was discovered that he had a bladder infection and was dehydrated, possibly side-effects from the flu he had a couple weeks ago that  put him at risk of dehydration. So, that gave him a bed at the hospital.

Nearly 24 hours from that point, I get a call that my Mother was having- yes, you guessed it-left sided weakness, though she also was having left facial droop and slurred speech. Sounded like a significant stroke to me- so off she went to the same hospital emergency department! The scans and blood work could  not find evidence of a stroke so she was sent back to the assisted living site.

Really???? 24 hours apart?!  Well, you have to realize that these two made a pact many years ago, that "they would go out together."  Was that REALLY happening last night?!  Could it be possible for their love to transcend distance and illness?  Their 66 years of married life may actually do it- like "The Notebook" couple. 

My heart felt stopped. I was more frozen than I've ever been. I wasn't sure what exactly was going on-there have been so many "events" where I think- This is it, he can't possibly make it through this, yet he does.  I talked with friends about being uneasily numb, so numb that I couldn't cry.

I did see Dad today at the hospital-he was more confused than usual, but we could talk and just "be" together, watching the TV for the news on the apprehension of the Boston Marathon Bomber. He was engaged in the news like I hadn't seen him in some time. I said Good-Bye, with one of those studied looks to remember looking into his eyes that look back at me.  He thought he should come home with me, too. I had to tell him that his Doctor hadn't discharged him yet, so he agreed to stay. He is scheduled to leave Saturday.

And I work at yielding him and my Mom to  the Lord.  We are told we don't know the day or the hour-and we really don't.  So many of my Father's contemporaries are leaving this world peaceably.  I pray the same for him. 

The Lord is going to Love Him..

90 years and runnin

And it's now officially 90 years for Ralph.  This now makes him the oldest of his siblings and the oldest-lived.  We family, celebrated his birthday with cheesecake, fresh fruit and coffee. He was quite pleased with the number of family members who showed up (like 17!) My aunt and uncle and cousins were, I think, happy to be there for a Happy Event- not a funeral!

So, 90 years it is. And continued good life we'll pray for.

The Longest Good-Bye

My Dad had a serious bout of the flu last weekend. Easter weekend, in fact.  I am now being told that he weighs 119 pounds.  He probably wasn't more than that prior to the flu, his system is just not absorbing food anymore. 

Before his "episode" of the flu, I was able to ask him questions about how he wants his funeral handled- Open or Closed Casket: Open "I want people to know who's in there."  Casual clothes or Suit: SUIT!  "I think I have a green one-that's the one I'd like (he does have a green suit- right on target with that).  I told him of this amazing group of caskets that are hand-made by Trappist Monks in Dubuque, Iowa- he liked that idea too.

We had a chance to return to his room and watched a "Seven Stations of the Cross" on the Catholic Television network. It was Holy Saturday and watching a reenactment of Jesus journey through Jerusalem to his crucifixion on Good Friday seemed appropriate.  Dad was able to watch the show and comment appropriately-it may have been just slow enough for him to follow. He even commented that the man narrating the story was "very good."

There are many "events" I replay in my mind in this past week-the times my Dad helped pick me up from my early days at college, when I was homesick. When he would sit and talk to me about the heartache of losing a boyfriend.  He advised my friends and my friends' boyfriends on life events. With his self-effacing humor and interest in the journey of young people, he made everyone feel like he was there to be a friend, even a "cheerleader" to take them through life.

Now, we the younger people are taking him through his journey to eternal life. His inability to keep weight on will be his demise. I've had to review the memos to myself nearly a year ago when we decided any further treatment would be futile.  I still had opportunities to enjoy each and every visit for an entire year. I still make a point to take a snapshot in my mind with each visit and interaction-almost like having my mind "freeze" the moment, so I always remember it.

Cheers for Survival

A few months have passed since I wrote my struggle in putting my Dad into hospice care. It's now January, 2013 and he's still perking along. While likely the urinary tract infections are just perched to pounce, I realized, I seriously did not want the death of my father to be due to my decision to not extend his treatment, so I remembered an old urinary tract infection preventative- good old cranberry juice. 

Each visit I make I bring 1 gallon of cranberry juice and put it in his refrigerator. The staff at the assisted living are to give Ralph a drink whenever they're in his room- be it in the morning or when helping him with other need. I had watched when he was in the hospital in May that he would drink cold liquids and drinking liquids is important to stave off UTI's. Well, it's working and he made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Next month- in February-Ralph will turn 90 years of age.  He still envisions himself being- say 58.  He cannot fathom that he will be 90.  And so, we continue....